Help Your Child Overcome Shyness
Helping shy children develop confidence and social skills
An interview with clinical psychologist Whitney
Clarke, Psy.D.
It’s normal for children to be shy sometimes. Shyness becomes a problem, though, when the child
begins to withdraw from people and develops problems in social situations, school or other aspects
of life.
“Roughly 50 percent of children—and adults—report being shy, but there are varying degrees
of shyness,” says Whitney Clarke, Psy.D., clinical
psychologist with California Pacific Medical
Center’s Child Development Center and Bayview
Child Health Center. “Children who don’t overcome
shyness may withdraw and feel anxious.
Later on, they are at risk for developing other
avoidant behaviors such as truancy or substance
abuse. Fortunately, parents can help children
develop the skills and self-confidence to be
comfortable in social situations and relate to
other people.”
Understanding Causes of Shyness
 Whitney Clarke, Psy.D., Clinical Psychologist Children who are shy often have shy parents.
“If you were shy, tell your story of how you dealt
with it,” Clarke says. “Let children know that
other people are shy, too, and don’t let children
assume that there is something wrong with
them. Parents also should model non-shy
behaviors. Be outgoing in social situations.
Smile and greet the people you meet. Kids listen
with their eyes; the things they see you do speak
more clearly than what you say.”
Practical Advice That Can Help
While there is no one-size-fits-all prescription
for shyness, Clarke recommends several basic
guidelines:
- Show faith in your child’s abilities. Always interfering or being overprotective may give the message that the child is incapable of handling social situations.
- Make attainable goals and separate them into steps. For example, help your child prepare for new situations by visiting a new school or playgroup before the first day or make individual play dates before group outings.
- Acknowledge and praise successes, but do not make your attention and affection contingent upon changing shy behaviors.
- Don’t compare your child to others. Appreciate your child’s own capabilities and personality and help the child discover new interests such as music, art or sports.
- Don’t punish a child for being shy or assume that the behavior is intentional.
“If your child becomes isolated and shyness is
affecting schoolwork, sleep or health, you may
want to seek professional help,” Clarke adds.
“Also, before bringing a child in to see a
professional, parents should speak with a
therapist first to get ideas for dealing with
shyness.”
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